Monday, November 1, 2010

End in Sight?

I am really missing having my best friend with me. I miss him making me smile and laugh. I missing having him to lean on, figuratively and literally. I miss talking to him about anything and everything. I am missing having someone to go places with, someone to come home to. I just miss sharing my life with him.

So this thought came to me, If I knew that this grief would last for a pre-determined amount of time, and then I would feel normal again. That this hollow place inside of me would feel full again. I don't even know if it would matter how far away, obviously in this case the sooner the better, but the amount is not my point. A year, 5 years, 10 years, 20?? If I knew there was a definite end point, then I think I could take it. Its this fear of not knowing, this fear that I am always going to feel this pain.

Please don't misunderstand me. I have moments of happiness. I am living with the three best gifts he ever gave me. They bring me hope, they make me smile and often even laugh. Olivia is full of life and happiness. Josh is so inquisitive and smart. Kellie is witty and clever.

Kellie and I spent all day Halloween scaring each other, jumping out and yelling Boo. At the end of the night she scared me so bad. All the kids had gone to bed (or so I thought) and I had gone to use the rest room. All the lights were out. I walked out of the bathroom and it was pitch black. There was Kellie (not that I could see her....but she yelled boo and I did the "happy dance", imagine me running in place very fast!! We laughed and laughed.

Then she went to bed and I was alone again. So I wish I knew when I, or IF I will feel "normal" again. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes faster than others, hoping that I will get there. Wherever "there" is.

2 comments:

  1. Normal has taken on a different meaning now. It's not possible to share something as amazing as you two did and not be changed forever. But imagine the emptiness of never having shared it. I can't imagine what you have to go through, but I do know if anyone can do it, it's you. The feelings you have now will evolve and you will learn different ways to cope.
    You are in my thoughts and if you ever need anything, you know you can call.

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