Monday, April 25, 2011

Plan B

I have been traveling a little with my family this month. The kids had spring break and here in California that meant two weeks off of school. We were able to visit our family in Utah as well as some of our extended military family in Arizona. It has been really nice to be with people we love, and who love us!

I spent some time with my sweet Mother in Law during my visit and she took the opportunity to give me a couple of very thoughtful gifts. One was a charm necklace with little momentos that remind me of Ben and our life together. She also gave me a very cute little note pad that said "Life is all about how you handle Plan B". She used that opportunity to let me know that I had her blessing to move on when I was ready. It touched me so much that she would take the time to let me know that.

I have definitely thought about the direction my life will take after this tragedy. I have felt overwhelmed and confused many times thinking about how to move forward without Ben. I have been very fortunate to have made many friends who are on similar journeys. It has been somewhat easier to navigate this new life because of those friendships. A few of those have become very important to me and I know I would not have been able to travel so far down this path without them. I want to take this time to thank them for being there for me in my darkest days.

So now what? I have begun to "dip my toe" in the dating world. What I have found is that it is really NOT for me. I have so many things to consider that I never really had to worry about before. First and foremost, my children. I know it is a tall order, but I do not want to be with someone who is okay with the fact that I have children. I don't want someone who tolerates them. I want to find someone who can love my children. Otherwise, I am just not interested. The reality is that someone in my age range will also have children. I have been told and have witnessed that merging families can be very difficult. I just believe I have room in my heart to love more children. Add to that the very complicated fact that I am still in love with my husband and may always be. It just seems like it will take a very special person who can understand that and again realize that I can also have a "new love" with them.

I still have a lot of healing to do. I still have a long road ahead of me. But I can say with certainty that Ben taught me about real love. It isn't always easy, It isn't always rainbows and flowers. But it is always worth it. It seems like a waste to have learned all of that and not to try to find it again.