I went to my SOS support group tonight. For those of you who don't "speak the language", it stands for Survivor of Suicide. Its the new terminology for those of us who are left behind. It is interesting as its not specific to spouses. Its includes all relationships, parents, spouses, siblings, aunt, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, you get the idea.
I never know what emotions a meeting will bring. Sometimes I cant stop crying, others I am just sitting there feeling like I am having an "out of body" experience, because I am not going through this, this could not be happening to me. Others I find myself trying to comfort those around me.
Tonight the topic of discussion was the "suicide trance". I had never heard of this before. This particular book was from a doctor who had interviewed people who had attempted suicide, but luckily are here to tell us about those experiences. These people talked of pain that they could not find their way out of. The only answer was to "end it". Once this decision had been made, they felt free and could not be talked out of it.
They talked of making lists of those who were responsible, or of people who would be better off without them. It was a common theme. The belief that their loved ones would have a happier life if they were no longer in it.
I don't know much, but I can tell you that my life is not better without Ben in it. All who know him will say the same. How could he be so far off the mark? He was an incredibly smart man. He was very intellectual. How could he NOT KNOW?? Just one of the many questions I will ask myself for the rest of my life.
As I left the meeting, the tears started, and like always, I had my little "de-briefing" session with Ben. I told him all the things I would tell him if he were here. I turned on the car, and the radio came on....it was his ringtone. The one I have adopted and now have as mine. "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley. "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing, is gonna be alright". Maybe he was trying to tell me something.