I had the pleasure of being with Ben and loving him for over fourteen years. Life wasnt always easy but we figured it out together. In addition we had the extra challenges of military life and also raising children together. Over time Ben became a part of me.
Olivia was so excited to go to school the other day as it was the 100th day of school. She just couldn't wait to go and do all the fun activities planned for the day. Just as it was time to go, she came and asked if she could stay home with me. I reminded her of the fun day she was going to have at school! She told me that part of her wanted to stay home with me, and part of her wanted to go to school. She then started to cry and tell me how much she missed her daddy. She is too young to have to know such pain. I still feel like Josh is floundering without his dad here, Kellie is too. Both of their grades have slipped. I have tried so hard to help them, but they already had a hard time focusing. School was always so important to Ben. He wanted them to be successful. I believe they still will be despite this enormous stumbling block that has been placed in their way.
Now I can relate to the way Olivia was feeling. Part of me wants my heart to "stay with Ben" and the other wants to go out and find a way to live again. Not just function, like I have been doing, but to actually live again.
I am still hopelessly in love with him. Makes it hard being a sole parent when I am not even close to functioning at 100 percent. I just want to protect these kids as much as I can. I realize that it is something they also must face every day. Life without Ben. Life without Dad. They continue to amaze me and make me want to just be better.
There is a BIG place in my heart that will always belong to him. I know that I am who I am in large part to the life I lived with him. He will forever be a part of me.