I FINALLY had a happy dream about Ben, he was alive and well! In this dream, I was at some sort of party, and I was with a girl friend who was very sad and had attempted suicide very recently. I am not sure why, but Ben could not attend the party, so I was sticking pretty close to this friend to make sure she was okay.
Then the most wonderful thing happened, Ben surprised me and came to the party. I was concerned about leaving this friend alone, but somehow sensed Ben needed me as well. I explained I needed to talk to my friend for a few minutes but that I would be right back. I remember this sense of urgency to make sure he knew that I wanted to be with him and that he was my priority. He seemed to understand and so I went and talked to the friend and then returned to him. I remember trying so hard to make sure he knew how much he meant to me, how proud of him I was, that I loved my life with him. Then I kissed him!! And for no apparent reason I woke up from this dream. I laid there and willed myself to fall asleep again. I remember thinking I didn't get to enjoy that kiss long enough, that I didn't memorize every detail of his face, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. It was all very hazy and unclear. I finally got up and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning. Who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday? (I do these days, most days). I had fallen asleep on the couch again, so I decided maybe if I just went up to my bed and got comfortable that I could fall asleep again and hopefully dream of him again. No such luck. No matter how hard I tried I could not get back to sleep.
When something tragic happens you often hear people say they feel like they are in a bad dream and can't wake up. I have felt that way for the last (almost) nine months. Now finally I have a great dream and I can't stay asleep. Oh the irony!