Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dream a Little Dream

I FINALLY had a happy dream about Ben, he was alive and well! In this dream, I was at some sort of party, and I was with a girl friend who was very sad and had attempted suicide very recently. I am not sure why, but Ben could not attend the party, so I was sticking pretty close to this friend to make sure she was okay.

Then the most wonderful thing happened, Ben surprised me and came to the party. I was concerned about leaving this friend alone, but somehow sensed Ben needed me as well. I explained I needed to talk to my friend for a few minutes but that I would be right back. I remember this sense of urgency to make sure he knew that I wanted to be with him and that he was my priority. He seemed to understand and so I went and talked to the friend and then returned to him. I remember trying so hard to make sure he knew how much he meant to me, how proud of him I was, that I loved my life with him. Then I kissed him!! And for no apparent reason I woke up from this dream. I laid there and willed myself to fall asleep again. I remember thinking I didn't get to enjoy that kiss long enough, that I didn't memorize every detail of his face, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. It was all very hazy and unclear. I finally got up and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning. Who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday? (I do these days, most days). I had fallen asleep on the couch again, so I decided maybe if I just went up to my bed and got comfortable that I could fall asleep again and hopefully dream of him again. No such luck. No matter how hard I tried I could not get back to sleep.

When something tragic happens you often hear people say they feel like they are in a bad dream and can't wake up. I have felt that way for the last (almost) nine months. Now finally I have a great dream and I can't stay asleep. Oh the irony!


  1. Glad you got to have that dream, Jeannie, even if only for so short a time. May you have many more! (As for who's awake at 4:30 on a Saturday? Yeah, that would be me, too. This morning it was more like 3:30. I'm beginning to think insomnia is my big Prozac side effect. But for now, it's worth the trade-off.)

  2. Jeannie, what a wonderful dream, I love those dreams!!! I hope that you have many, many more!

  3. I'm just about 9 months now, and feel for you. Have you ever heard of "lucid dreaming?" It's when you wake up in your dream. Guess you know where I'm going with this. Found you on widow's page. Take Care - Mindy