It's OK to NOT be OK!

     Many things have happened since my last post, Many personal things in my extended family that have been difficult and heart breaking.  I am so grateful for my family and I wish I could protect them from any sadness that may come their way!  Clearly I am not in control of that, or I would have prevented my own family from the tragedy that we have experienced. 
     I have explained it to those close to me that those experiences were the "perfect storm" for my emotions to come to the surface.  It made me realize that I am NOT ok, I am not all better, I am still heart broken at the loss of my best friend and husband.  I am NOT ok that my children will grow up without their father.  I am NOT ok, nor can I make sense of the heart break my sisters and their families have had to endure.  
     Many of us in the widowed community have felt the need to go through life pretending to be strong and well adjusted after our personal tragedies.  It ends up making many of us feel like people do not see the real "us".  I will personally say that these individuals ARE STRONG because they HAVE to be.  It doesn't mean that they aren't forever changed and heart broken on the inside. 
     Due to these new realizations, I had to take a step back from my relationship with Adam.  He was extremely kind and understanding and thankfully remains one of my dearest friends.  He was amazing to me and my children and I will always love him for that.  He just deserved so much more than I could give him at this point in my life. 
     Dont be sad for me.  I am ok NOT being ok.  I feel healthier than I have in a long time because I am being true to myself and my feelings.  If I have anything I can pass on to my friends and family it is just that... Be true to yourself, acknowledge your feelings, get outside help if you need it.  It is also OK to ask for help.  I am in personal counseling for the first time since Ben's death.  I can't help feel that if only the Army had a more positive view of mental health counseling,  and Ben hadn't been so afraid of ruining his career, he might have asked for that help himself and still be here today.