Kellie and I were remembering today how much of a joker Ben was. He loved to pull pranks on people. Our house was constantly full of us teasing and playing around with each other. Of course Ben was the Ring Leader of such activity.
Early in our marriage Ben and I loved to turn the water to cold when the other was showering. It was hysterical to catch each other with this little trick, not so much to be on the receiving end. Brrrrr...... !! We also loved to hide around corners and scare each other. One of Ben's favorite tricks was to honk the horn when one of us was walking to the car. He always managed to do it when you were standing right in front of the vehicle, to get the full range of the scare. The trick Kellie and I were remembering today was when he would put a rubber band on the sprayer on the sink. When you would turn the water on for any reason, getting a drink, washing the dishes, the sprayer was activated by the rubber band and you would get soaked! He caught me with that trick so many times. It sucks when you fall for the same thing over and over!! He always managed to catch me when I had just gotten super comfortable and warm. I would hate it because I would be wet and cold and have to change my clothes!
Ben even took his pranks to the next level when Josh was a baby. One night I had gone out with some girlfriends and he stayed home with the kids. The next morning Ben kept saying that he heard Josh crying, yet when I listened I didn't hear anything. Little did I know he was just being impatient as he had pulled a major prank. After a few times I finally told him "If you hear Josh, you go and get him". From then on he waited patiently until Josh woke up. I went to get him and Ben had given him a mohawk!! At six months old!! After taking a few pics I shaved his head bald to match his Dad's. Lets just say I was less than pleased. He did this one more time a few months later and then again a few months after that, but that time he just took the clippers and shaved a stripe down the middle of his head (think reverse mohawk)!
Everyone who knew Ben, knew him to be full of life. Such a fun loving, playful person. He simultaneously kept me young and took years off my life (scare tactics). He was more than my husband, he was my best friend. He was more than my best friend, he was my playmate. How blessed I was to have this man in my life!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
One Phone Call
I think I have said it before, but if not, I will say it now, music really speaks to me. It has always done so, but even more so these days. I have heard the song "Closer to Love" by Mat Kearney many times but I really listened to the words today.
"She got the call today, one out of the gray, and when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away."
"She said she didn't believe it could happen to me, I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."
Ain't that the truth. So close to home. Some of you know, some don't, but he called me the day he took his life. Started out so cheerful, but it didn't take long for me to realize this was not going to be a good conversation.
So I came to the realization that for me grief these days is like a sleeping bear, I'm just tip toeing around it these days, certainly not ignoring it, very aware that it is near, and that one wrong move will awaken it. Music, regardless of the genre or tempo or volume, is often the crashing cymbals that awake that exhausted, angry , hungry bear right up.
"She got the call today, one out of the gray, and when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away."
"She said she didn't believe it could happen to me, I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."
Ain't that the truth. So close to home. Some of you know, some don't, but he called me the day he took his life. Started out so cheerful, but it didn't take long for me to realize this was not going to be a good conversation.
So I came to the realization that for me grief these days is like a sleeping bear, I'm just tip toeing around it these days, certainly not ignoring it, very aware that it is near, and that one wrong move will awaken it. Music, regardless of the genre or tempo or volume, is often the crashing cymbals that awake that exhausted, angry , hungry bear right up.
Monday, December 13, 2010
People Need People
So I have been noticing a new job trend lately. The people who are hired to stand on the corner waving signs for different businesses to try and get your attention. Some are selling tacos or other food, some are selling real estate. The other day I saw a guy in a tuxedo dancing with a sign saying "Honk for Mr. tuxedo". Of course, I honked.
It got me thinking. Today's world has less contact. We go on facebook to keep up with friends, we email or text to check in with them. How often do we pick up the phone? Or send a letter or a card? As "connected" as this new world is, with our cell phones and laptops, we are losing our connections with PEOPLE.
In my current situation, I feel like I am feeling that more than ever. I have moved away from the people in my life. Some days I don't feel like talking to anyone, let alone seeing them. A text is my favorite form of contact these days. However, I know that I need more. I need more contact with actual people.
How to get there? All I can do is put one foot in front of the other.
It got me thinking. Today's world has less contact. We go on facebook to keep up with friends, we email or text to check in with them. How often do we pick up the phone? Or send a letter or a card? As "connected" as this new world is, with our cell phones and laptops, we are losing our connections with PEOPLE.
In my current situation, I feel like I am feeling that more than ever. I have moved away from the people in my life. Some days I don't feel like talking to anyone, let alone seeing them. A text is my favorite form of contact these days. However, I know that I need more. I need more contact with actual people.
How to get there? All I can do is put one foot in front of the other.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Dream a Little Dream
I FINALLY had a happy dream about Ben, he was alive and well! In this dream, I was at some sort of party, and I was with a girl friend who was very sad and had attempted suicide very recently. I am not sure why, but Ben could not attend the party, so I was sticking pretty close to this friend to make sure she was okay.
Then the most wonderful thing happened, Ben surprised me and came to the party. I was concerned about leaving this friend alone, but somehow sensed Ben needed me as well. I explained I needed to talk to my friend for a few minutes but that I would be right back. I remember this sense of urgency to make sure he knew that I wanted to be with him and that he was my priority. He seemed to understand and so I went and talked to the friend and then returned to him. I remember trying so hard to make sure he knew how much he meant to me, how proud of him I was, that I loved my life with him. Then I kissed him!! And for no apparent reason I woke up from this dream. I laid there and willed myself to fall asleep again. I remember thinking I didn't get to enjoy that kiss long enough, that I didn't memorize every detail of his face, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. It was all very hazy and unclear. I finally got up and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning. Who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday? (I do these days, most days). I had fallen asleep on the couch again, so I decided maybe if I just went up to my bed and got comfortable that I could fall asleep again and hopefully dream of him again. No such luck. No matter how hard I tried I could not get back to sleep.
When something tragic happens you often hear people say they feel like they are in a bad dream and can't wake up. I have felt that way for the last (almost) nine months. Now finally I have a great dream and I can't stay asleep. Oh the irony!
Then the most wonderful thing happened, Ben surprised me and came to the party. I was concerned about leaving this friend alone, but somehow sensed Ben needed me as well. I explained I needed to talk to my friend for a few minutes but that I would be right back. I remember this sense of urgency to make sure he knew that I wanted to be with him and that he was my priority. He seemed to understand and so I went and talked to the friend and then returned to him. I remember trying so hard to make sure he knew how much he meant to me, how proud of him I was, that I loved my life with him. Then I kissed him!! And for no apparent reason I woke up from this dream. I laid there and willed myself to fall asleep again. I remember thinking I didn't get to enjoy that kiss long enough, that I didn't memorize every detail of his face, the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand. It was all very hazy and unclear. I finally got up and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning. Who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning on a Saturday? (I do these days, most days). I had fallen asleep on the couch again, so I decided maybe if I just went up to my bed and got comfortable that I could fall asleep again and hopefully dream of him again. No such luck. No matter how hard I tried I could not get back to sleep.
When something tragic happens you often hear people say they feel like they are in a bad dream and can't wake up. I have felt that way for the last (almost) nine months. Now finally I have a great dream and I can't stay asleep. Oh the irony!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Letters from Iraq
Ben started writing us these little cards about half way through his tour in Iraq. They were sweet and always included....
1) Remember when (some little memory of our lives with him)
2) A note from Iraq (something about his time there)
3) Looking forward to (something he wanted to do with us for the first time, or something he missed doing with us).
These are cards we will cherish as Ben didn't write a lot of letters. I always kept two or three unopened as I just wanted to make sure he made it home safely. I wanted to still have something from him until I actually had HIM with me. So, when he returned I opened all but one. I could never really explain why I didn't open that last letter. He was home safe and sound, yet I still kept one letter unopened. Funny thing was, it wasn't the last one he wrote me. The post mark was May and he returned in September.
I remember finding that card after his death. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to open it. There were several thoughts in my mind about it. This was the last card I would ever receive from him. What if it was a silly one, without anything meaningful to it? What if it didn't live up to my expectations of being something wonderful?
I sat and read his cards again today, I laughed and I cried. He was just so witty and fun and thoughtful. He really had these fun and sweet memories that he shared, and I am so glad to know that he remembered these special moments of our life together. I thought again about that unopened card. I held it in my hands and then I did something I didn't think I would do, I opened it. It was beautiful. It was a memory of September 11th, 2001. It was about how our perspectives changed that day. I only wish he would have remembered that on March 10th, 2010.
1) Remember when (some little memory of our lives with him)
2) A note from Iraq (something about his time there)
3) Looking forward to (something he wanted to do with us for the first time, or something he missed doing with us).
These are cards we will cherish as Ben didn't write a lot of letters. I always kept two or three unopened as I just wanted to make sure he made it home safely. I wanted to still have something from him until I actually had HIM with me. So, when he returned I opened all but one. I could never really explain why I didn't open that last letter. He was home safe and sound, yet I still kept one letter unopened. Funny thing was, it wasn't the last one he wrote me. The post mark was May and he returned in September.
I remember finding that card after his death. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to open it. There were several thoughts in my mind about it. This was the last card I would ever receive from him. What if it was a silly one, without anything meaningful to it? What if it didn't live up to my expectations of being something wonderful?
I sat and read his cards again today, I laughed and I cried. He was just so witty and fun and thoughtful. He really had these fun and sweet memories that he shared, and I am so glad to know that he remembered these special moments of our life together. I thought again about that unopened card. I held it in my hands and then I did something I didn't think I would do, I opened it. It was beautiful. It was a memory of September 11th, 2001. It was about how our perspectives changed that day. I only wish he would have remembered that on March 10th, 2010.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Something Different
Being a military wife, I have spent holidays without my husband. He has been on various temporary duty assignments, or deployed on many a holiday (although we had it better than most). Yet Ben's absence this year is obviously different. As Thanksgiving approached I had not yet decided what to do. Make the 10 hour trip to my home town? Make a small meal for my now small family? I had almost decided to make the trip when I heard about the blizzard that hit Utah. Nope, I was definitely not driving in that.
I opted for something different. I decided to take the kids to Disney for the day. Trading turkey dinner for chicken nuggets and fries. Disney?? On a holiday?? Yeah, that was a good idea. Hour long waits for almost every ride. It was exhausting. Yet we made it through the day. The next day I took the kids to Laguna Beach and remembered why I chose California. While my family was "buried" in snow in Utah, the kids and I walked barefoot in the sand and dipped our toes in the ocean.
I opted for something different. I decided to take the kids to Disney for the day. Trading turkey dinner for chicken nuggets and fries. Disney?? On a holiday?? Yeah, that was a good idea. Hour long waits for almost every ride. It was exhausting. Yet we made it through the day. The next day I took the kids to Laguna Beach and remembered why I chose California. While my family was "buried" in snow in Utah, the kids and I walked barefoot in the sand and dipped our toes in the ocean.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Patience
Patience has never been my strong point. It's the American way. We have a DVR so we never miss a TV show we want to see. We have microwaves so our meals can be cooked super fast. We have cell phones with us at all times so we never miss a phone call!
I have been feeling less than patient about all the things I am doing in my life. I want to get back in school, but due to budget cuts California state colleges are limiting the amount of new students they can take. They are considering new student applications for the August 2011 semester.
I am trying hard to make this new area feel like home. I am slowly but surely making friends, yet I am frustrated with the process of having to put myself "out there" to meet people. Especially at a time when curling up on my couch seems so much more appealing.
I have taken a long break from the gym. I am realizing more and more that it is hard to be at a gym without Ben. We met at a gym over fourteen years ago. Something about being at a gym without him feels so wrong. Who am I kidding, everything without him feels wrong. However, denial can only take you so far. I have purchased a scale and have even bravely stepped on it. Lets just say it wasn't pretty. I have stepped up my exercise game, opting for running rather than the gym. The scale is moving in the right direction, however patience again escapes me, as it feels like it is moving so painfully slow!
I just want to feel all better, NOW! I want to be healed, well adjusted, excelling in school, surrounded by friends, in my amazingly tiny skinny jeans.
I have been feeling less than patient about all the things I am doing in my life. I want to get back in school, but due to budget cuts California state colleges are limiting the amount of new students they can take. They are considering new student applications for the August 2011 semester.
I am trying hard to make this new area feel like home. I am slowly but surely making friends, yet I am frustrated with the process of having to put myself "out there" to meet people. Especially at a time when curling up on my couch seems so much more appealing.
I have taken a long break from the gym. I am realizing more and more that it is hard to be at a gym without Ben. We met at a gym over fourteen years ago. Something about being at a gym without him feels so wrong. Who am I kidding, everything without him feels wrong. However, denial can only take you so far. I have purchased a scale and have even bravely stepped on it. Lets just say it wasn't pretty. I have stepped up my exercise game, opting for running rather than the gym. The scale is moving in the right direction, however patience again escapes me, as it feels like it is moving so painfully slow!
I just want to feel all better, NOW! I want to be healed, well adjusted, excelling in school, surrounded by friends, in my amazingly tiny skinny jeans.
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