Am I An Idiot?

Why did I choose to audition for American Idiot?

I don't know ....

It's Green Day .....

That's all I knew about this musical .....

I'd never even considered auditioning for a play let alone a musical.

Ben was a performer!  Any chance he got he would love to have an audience.  If there was a TV camera around, he'd find a way to get interviewed.  Talent show?  Sign him up!  Even when we were on vacation in Jamaica!  And he was talented.  He was especially good at impressions!  He could do all kinds of voices from Bugs Bunny and Kermit the Frog, to singing and sounding just like Elvis Presley, Neil Diamond, Bob Marley and lots of other well known singers.  I used to tell him he should have his own show in Vegas.  In addition he loved to act.  He did several plays in high school and loved to tell the story of being an extra in the movie "Con Air" with Nicholas Cage.  He was fun and funny and full of life.  People gravitated to him.  He was the one people wanted to talk to at an event or a party.  

That's why so many were shocked when they heard he died by suicide in March of 2010.  It was hard to believe this man who loved to make people laugh was so sad on the inside. 

When our family moved to Temecula,  it was only five months after he died.  Kellie was starting middle school, Josh was in fourth grade and Olivia was going to Kindergarten.  We didn't know anyone in the area and were just trying to figure out what life looked like without Ben in it. 

Fast forward a few years and we were told about this little theater group by a neighbor that had just moved in.  Olivia was so excited and had absolutely decided she had to audition for a part in their upcoming production of "Shrek".  Little by little our whole family got "sucked in" to the theater, I was choreographing and I got the other kids to try parts as well.  

Then I heard the theater was doing Green Day's "American Idiot".  This was music that I had loved for years.  Something just clicked in me and I knew I had to audition!  What?!!?!  Me!?!?

But yes, I just knew I had to.  Little did I know what I was getting myself into....

If I had any idea about the story line in this musical I would NEVER have done it.  

Ben was a soldier in the US Army.  He went to basic training exactly one week after we got married.  "Home is where the Army sends you" became our mantra.  I told Ben that my home was in his arms.  Unfortunately sometimes he had to go on assignments without his family, so there were times in our marriage that I was "homeless".  

The first few songs of the musical were ones I knew well and I didn't really feel any connection to.  I was so busy learning how to sing and dance at the same time that I was lost in the process.  It was about this point that I figured out there was a suicide in the musical.  It was the exact type of death that I lost Ben to.  I was relieved to find that the death was not an actual person, but the "killing off" of an alter-ego that was troublesome to the main character.  Yet I was concerned about how it would be depicted and if it would bring up emotions for me or my children.  It turns out that I was one of three choreographed to catch "St. Jimmy" after he shoots himself and carry him off stage.

     The story breaks off into three different parts, one of which is a soldier who goes off to war and gets injured by an explosion.  As an ensemble character I played both the part of a soldier and later a nurse who cares for the injured soldiers.  My two favorite songs on the show are "Before the Lobotomy" and the reprise of that song.  I just loved the harmonies in it.  It's a sad song sung by the soldiers who are hospitalized from their war injuries.  The first starts with one soldier and then it adds on one at a time until four are singing together.  The reprise starts with all four singing and one by one they go out until just one remains.  What I did not know until the rehearsal for that song is that they go out one by one because they each die from their injuries leaving only the main soldier.  I have many friends who lost their loves to war.  Just another reason I would have not auditioned had I known. 

     I almost got through the entire rehearsal schedule without even crying.  Then one day I was listening to one of the last songs in the show, and the although the story line doesn't apply to me, the three words I had to sing were so familiar to me "Where'd you go?".  Luckily I was alone in my car when I heard that song for the first time.  

     At the end of the show the three friends that have separated for different reasons,  return home.  It's in that number that I feel like I've gained life long friends through this show.  We get to hug each other and sing about coming home.  It's bittersweet for me, but for a moment I get to feel at home again.  

     The final song is one where one of our main characters sings about "the one that got away".  A line in it says "thought I ran into you down on the street, but it turned out to only be a dream", I can relate to that line so much, I know many of my widowed friends can too.  I've mostly stopped looking for Ben in crowds anymore, but a broad tall bald man in Army fatigues will still take my breath away for a moment. 

     In the end, what should have sent me over the edge, was strangely healing.  I have no doubt that Bens hand was in "pushing" me to do this.  If he were still here, he would have been in it and I would have been cheering him on in the audience.  I wouldn't have even thought of doing it.  I think I'm starting to understand what my therapist meant when he told me to take the things I loved about Ben and make them a part of me.  I definitely didn't think he meant this.... But I'm a different person than who I was when Ben was here with me.  I'm still figuring out this new person, she's much more fearless in some ways,  and totally terrified in others. 

   I'm grateful for the friends I've made in the past five + years.  A special thanks to my bestie Mia who played the harmonies on the piano on every song for me so I could learn them!  Im super grateful for Dax who has allowed me to keep Ben as a part of our family, and for showing me you can Zing more than once.  

"Status" Quo

     According to my Facebook I'm a married woman. I am married to Ben Miller, the father of my children and my husband (of almost thirteen years according to the law).  I imagine that's a little strange to the family and friends of my new boyfriend. ( And maybe mine too ).


     I'm a widow. I didn't have a choice in the matter. It's just the way it is. So when it comes to my Facebook I haven't wanted to undo or change my connection to Ben. That IS my choice. I know there are many who believe that once their spouse dies they have fulfilled that marriage bond. I grew up with a different faith that believes marriage and families are forever. I don't know what my beliefs are anymore. What I do know is at this point in time, I don't want to undo that tie that I have to Ben on my Facebook.

     I realize that not everyone will understand it or approve. That's ok. I don't expect them to. What matters to me is that my wonderful, amazing, incredible boyfriend DOES understand.  He understands this terrible loss that our family has gone through.  He has seen our tears and even wiped mine.  He has offered love and support.  He has perspective.  He knows how I feel about him.  I now want to tell you how I feel about him.  I feel so lucky to have him in my life.  I didn't know if anything would ever feel normal or good again. Turns out things still aren't normal, as we have a combined total of seven kids, 3 dogs, 3 cats, a snake and a bearded dragon.  It's a regular zoo when we are all together. Yet somehow it just works.  It does feel good again.  I find myself smiling and laughing everyday.  I see my kids doing the same.  I have no doubt that's what Ben would want for us.

So my unofficial Facebook status is this, married widow of Ben Miller... Happily in a relationship with Dax Parra.  I know I know, It's complicated doesn't even begin to cover it!  

Live each day!

I have been very fortunate to have made two new amazing friends.  They are both cancer survivors and have given me a new perspective in my life.  Since Ben's death I have struggled with remaining positive in my life.  Considering all my family has been through I think I have done alright, but I am definitely not the glass half full optimist of my past.  I learned all two well that I am not in control of much.  I struggle with my belief system as to who/what is in control, but clearly I am not.  These two friends have a lease on life that is incredible.  Though their cancers and their stories are vastly different, the appreciation for each day is the same.  I count myself lucky to know them, to have them in my life, and for them to call me friend.

It's OK to NOT be OK!

     Many things have happened since my last post, Many personal things in my extended family that have been difficult and heart breaking.  I am so grateful for my family and I wish I could protect them from any sadness that may come their way!  Clearly I am not in control of that, or I would have prevented my own family from the tragedy that we have experienced. 
     I have explained it to those close to me that those experiences were the "perfect storm" for my emotions to come to the surface.  It made me realize that I am NOT ok, I am not all better, I am still heart broken at the loss of my best friend and husband.  I am NOT ok that my children will grow up without their father.  I am NOT ok, nor can I make sense of the heart break my sisters and their families have had to endure.  
     Many of us in the widowed community have felt the need to go through life pretending to be strong and well adjusted after our personal tragedies.  It ends up making many of us feel like people do not see the real "us".  I will personally say that these individuals ARE STRONG because they HAVE to be.  It doesn't mean that they aren't forever changed and heart broken on the inside. 
     Due to these new realizations, I had to take a step back from my relationship with Adam.  He was extremely kind and understanding and thankfully remains one of my dearest friends.  He was amazing to me and my children and I will always love him for that.  He just deserved so much more than I could give him at this point in my life. 
     Dont be sad for me.  I am ok NOT being ok.  I feel healthier than I have in a long time because I am being true to myself and my feelings.  If I have anything I can pass on to my friends and family it is just that... Be true to yourself, acknowledge your feelings, get outside help if you need it.  It is also OK to ask for help.  I am in personal counseling for the first time since Ben's death.  I can't help feel that if only the Army had a more positive view of mental health counseling,  and Ben hadn't been so afraid of ruining his career, he might have asked for that help himself and still be here today. 
     
     

Someone Special

I have been waiting for the right time to write about my dating life. I guess I wanted to make sure it was something that would last. See, I actually tried to stop dating this man on three different occasions. I just didn’t feel ready to be romantic with anyone new. We actually agreed to just be friends because we had so much in common. It just soon became obvious to us both that there was something more.

His name is Adam. He lost his mother to suicide over ten years ago, so although he is not widowed, he does understand our loss. He spent a long time convincing me that although he wasn’t widowed, he could understand me and be supportive of the fact that I am still grieving. It has proved to be more difficult than he anticipated in some ways, yet he manages to be supportive and understanding in my grief process.

It has been strange in some ways. I have often felt like two different people. One who can laugh and be happy and feel love for someone again, and one who is so sad and confused about this amazing love that I lost.

One of my neighbors pointed out that I talk about Ben often around Adam (and otherwise). She went on to say that she could never date a widower. I cant imagine that it is easy. I do talk about Ben often and I am sure that I always will. He was my husband for almost thirteen years, my love for over fourteen. He is the father of my children. He is forever in my heart. Although it isn’t always easy, Adam does understand that and recognizes how important it is for the kids to feel comfortable talking about him.

The true test for me was over Christmas vacation when I had my wonderful in-laws, Vel and Lee come to visit. We had a nice dinner with them and some of Adams family. I think everyone was a little nervous about how that visit would go. Adam and my in-laws got to spend a little time together over the course of a few days. One of the first things Vel said to us was that she was glad that Adam was so different than Ben. I think it validated in her mind, that I too knew, that there was no one like Ben. She later told me that she thought Adam was perfect for our family. I told her that I have a tough time trusting my instincts after losing Ben the way I did. She told me to trust hers, that Adam is a “good one”.

I hadn’t realized how important it was for me that Vel and Lee liked Adam, that they approved of him. It meant so much to me because they raised Ben, they knew what I had in him, they knew exactly what I had lost because they lost him too. I knew without a doubt that they wanted the best for me and for their grandchildren.

I don’t know where this will lead. I don’t know what comes next. I do know I am grateful to have Adam in my life. For now, I am completely content taking one day at a time.

Let the Music do the talking

*I took lyrics from songs that mean something to me and put them together to make this blog post. Just bits and pieces put together at random in a way that expresses how I feel today.*

You took my hand, you showed me how, you promised me you’d be around.

I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me…..

I wish I could touch you again, I wish I could still call you friend… I’d give anything.

I’ll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again. I won’t forget you my friend, what happened. That last kiss, I’ll cherish, until we meet again. And time makes it harder, I wish I could still remember.

I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the rush of your skin, I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in.

I’m here without you baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. I’m here without you baby, but you’re still with me in my dreams. When it’s all said and done, it gets hard but it won’t take away my love.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere alone in the bitterness. I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.

It’s like one of those bad dreams when you can’t wake up. Looks like you’ve given up, you’ve had enough, but I want more…

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, just Praying to a God that I don’t believe in. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? I’m falling to pieces. They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words are gonna stop the bleeding.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor…. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time. It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now, and I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

When’s the day you start again, and when the hell does you’ll get over it begin? I’m looking in the mirror but I don’t fit my skin. Cause I still don’t know how to act, don’t know what to say. I still wear the scars like it was yesterday. But you’re long gone. But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way, still talk about you like it was yesterday. But you’re long gone. I’m barely used to saying me instead of us. The elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guests. No I can’t keep thinking that you’re coming back, and it’s going to be hard.

I just want to be ok.

And you ask me what I want this year and I try to make this kind and clear, just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days.

I've been robbed!!

I’ve been robbed! Something so precious was taken from me and it is absolutely irreplaceable.

On our wedding day he sang to me “Forever’s as Far as I’ll go”. Yet he isn’t here with me now and that just isn’t ok!

We had a saying, “80 on a porch swing”. It was our way of saying we were in this for the long haul. We were supposed to get struck by lightning and go together. Neither of us wanted to be the one who was left alone.

Now I’m here and he isn’t. How is this fair? How is this ok?

I keep trying to move forward and in many ways I have. But I have come to realize there is a part of me that is forever his. There is a hole in my heart that only he can fill.

Plan B

I have been traveling a little with my family this month. The kids had spring break and here in California that meant two weeks off of school. We were able to visit our family in Utah as well as some of our extended military family in Arizona. It has been really nice to be with people we love, and who love us!

I spent some time with my sweet Mother in Law during my visit and she took the opportunity to give me a couple of very thoughtful gifts. One was a charm necklace with little momentos that remind me of Ben and our life together. She also gave me a very cute little note pad that said "Life is all about how you handle Plan B". She used that opportunity to let me know that I had her blessing to move on when I was ready. It touched me so much that she would take the time to let me know that.

I have definitely thought about the direction my life will take after this tragedy. I have felt overwhelmed and confused many times thinking about how to move forward without Ben. I have been very fortunate to have made many friends who are on similar journeys. It has been somewhat easier to navigate this new life because of those friendships. A few of those have become very important to me and I know I would not have been able to travel so far down this path without them. I want to take this time to thank them for being there for me in my darkest days.

So now what? I have begun to "dip my toe" in the dating world. What I have found is that it is really NOT for me. I have so many things to consider that I never really had to worry about before. First and foremost, my children. I know it is a tall order, but I do not want to be with someone who is okay with the fact that I have children. I don't want someone who tolerates them. I want to find someone who can love my children. Otherwise, I am just not interested. The reality is that someone in my age range will also have children. I have been told and have witnessed that merging families can be very difficult. I just believe I have room in my heart to love more children. Add to that the very complicated fact that I am still in love with my husband and may always be. It just seems like it will take a very special person who can understand that and again realize that I can also have a "new love" with them.

I still have a lot of healing to do. I still have a long road ahead of me. But I can say with certainty that Ben taught me about real love. It isn't always easy, It isn't always rainbows and flowers. But it is always worth it. It seems like a waste to have learned all of that and not to try to find it again.

Missing Piece

I heard a line in a song that said something about "feeling like a puzzle who cant find its missing piece." I really relate to that statement. Lately I have been thinking about how my situation is a little different as a military widow. It has been fourteen years since I have lived in the area where I grew up. In addition, we moved around a lot so my friends are scattered all over the country. We used to have a little picture in our home that said, "Home is where the Army sends you". Ben and I learned how to deal with that. Each place eventually became our new home.

Now I am in this new place, and I am trying to figure out why I am here. At the time, it was the only thing that felt at all right. Its a beautiful place! I love the weather, the area, the people, being close to the ocean. I just still feel so out of place. I went to a birthday party for one of Olivia's neighborhood friends. These neighbors have been amazing to us. They have practically adopted us. Its funny how something as simple as going to a childs birthday party can be so hard. The party was full of cute little kids with their adoring cute parents close behind. Happy couples everywhere! The party was at the same place we had Olivia's birthday. Its a huge warehouse with giant bouncy castles and slides. Parents were playing right along with their kids. Moms and Dads racing each other to the top of the rock climbing wall, or through the slide obstacle course. Everything Ben and I would be doing if he were here.

As corny a line as it is, I always loved the line in "Jerry Macguire", "You complete me". Ben did that for me. I always thought of myself as a complete person when we met, but after so many years together, our lives became so intertwined it was hard to separate myself completely from him. I never wanted to. I miss my missing piece.

Invisible

Do you remember talking to your friends when you were younger about having "super powers"? Which power would you want to have? Being super strong? Being able to fly? How about being super fast? I remember always wanting to have invisibility. I imagined being able to listen to conversations, see any movie or concert undetected or play tricks on my friends and family.

During the past year I have had so many things going on in my life. However, I realized that the average person could not look at me and see my pain or my struggle. On a daily basis I go about my business undetected. Also, being in a town where I don't know very many people lends a hand to my staying "under the radar" of most people.

Many times in my journey, I have been told how strong I am. Which I know to be true as I am still breathing after living for nearly a year without the love of my life. However, there are times when I hear this and I am amazed that people don't see that I am so broken. How is it possible that this fact is not obvious? How is it that this gaping wound in my heart goes unnoticed, undetected, is seemingly unseen?

I suppose I am grateful that the wound is not evident to everyone. Answering questions about this situation is always difficult. It's funny how I often end up trying to make the person asking the questions feel better. I end up comforting them and assuring them that I am going to be okay. Although its not quite the way I imagined, I suppose I do have a little super hero in me.

Part of Me

I had the pleasure of being with Ben and loving him for over fourteen years. Life wasnt always easy but we figured it out together. In addition we had the extra challenges of military life and also raising children together. Over time Ben became a part of me.

Olivia was so excited to go to school the other day as it was the 100th day of school. She just couldn't wait to go and do all the fun activities planned for the day. Just as it was time to go, she came and asked if she could stay home with me. I reminded her of the fun day she was going to have at school! She told me that part of her wanted to stay home with me, and part of her wanted to go to school. She then started to cry and tell me how much she missed her daddy. She is too young to have to know such pain. I still feel like Josh is floundering without his dad here, Kellie is too. Both of their grades have slipped. I have tried so hard to help them, but they already had a hard time focusing. School was always so important to Ben. He wanted them to be successful. I believe they still will be despite this enormous stumbling block that has been placed in their way.

Now I can relate to the way Olivia was feeling. Part of me wants my heart to "stay with Ben" and the other wants to go out and find a way to live again. Not just function, like I have been doing, but to actually live again.

I am still hopelessly in love with him. Makes it hard being a sole parent when I am not even close to functioning at 100 percent. I just want to protect these kids as much as I can. I realize that it is something they also must face every day. Life without Ben. Life without Dad. They continue to amaze me and make me want to just be better.

There is a BIG place in my heart that will always belong to him. I know that I am who I am in large part to the life I lived with him. He will forever be a part of me.

Paralysis

How is it possible that I have lived for ten months without him? I’m not sure I really have. I don’t think what I am doing is really living. So many people tell me how amazed they are by my strength. I suppose I have found strength that I didn’t even know that I had. I am still functioning. But that’s all I feel I am doing most days. I’m functioning. I am doing the things that have to be done. I feed the kids, take them to school, soccer practice etc. I make sure they have clean clothes to wear. I take care of the house. I take care of the dogs. On occasion I even make myself go out and try to join the “real world”. But all the while I feel this overwhelming emptiness. Something is missing. Someone is missing. My someone is missing.

I have often said there are things in my life I can’t seem to get going again. It’s like I’m paralyzed. But it is different. Physically I am still doing all the things that I am supposed to. I am emotionally paralyzed. There are things that I know I should be doing, but I can’t seem to make myself do them. As much as I know it I can’t seem to make myself care about them. I was so passionate about finishing my schooling and I just can’t seem to buckle down and get everything transferred so I can get that going again. I want to go back to teaching aerobics and yoga classes, but the thought of being in a gym again just makes me so sad without him.

I have also had the opposite, those well meaning people who care about me and want me to be okay, that have pushed me to get back to “living”. To them I say, I hope you never have to know this kind of pain. I understand them, as its what I tend to do in these situations, even now. I have learned a lot about myself in this way. I have learned that it is okay to not know the right thing to say. I am sorry to my friends that I didn’t know how to help, and so I pushed my own agenda on them.

So here I am thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing, still amazed by all the things I AM doing. So for today I am going to try and go easy on myself and accept this as a learning process. I am still figuring out who I am NOW. I am no longer part of “Ben and Jeannie”. So I have to figure out what that means……

Widow Vs. The Dress

I'm going to take you on a little trip. Close your eyes and use your imagination.

Wait, no, scratch that, eyes closed would mean you can’t read this.

Ok just squint like you do when you are seriously concentrating.

Imagine one determined widow, working up the bravery to enter Macy's dress department. The scale has not worked in her favor since the death of her love. Still, she musters all her courage and enters with full confidence. (ok not really but I was trying).

Looking at the many racks of dresses, she of course heads straight for the clearance rack. Gotta be thrifty.

What should she choose?

Little black dress?
Hmmmm widow in black, yeah, thats original.

White and black combo?
Ok variation on a theme.

Brown?
Kind of boring.

Fuscia, a little too un-boring.

Dress after dress....thoughts like...

Well maybe if I count calories.
Hmmmm, spanks anyone?
And so it goes.

Then, she finds it, the perfect dress, nice bright blue, nice neckline, sexy but not over the top.

Widow takes dress to dressing room, zipper up the back. Hmmmm, lets get creative, widow steps in dress and tries to zip it up herself to no avail.

Ok, maybe if she zips dress up halfway and pulls it over she can do the rest. Widow manages to pull dress over head AND oh no, she’s stuck, can’t get it past her boobs. SHIT! Now what? She wiggles and jiggles and starts to get it over and she hears a bad sound. Zipper has seperated in the middle...can’t move zipper up or down, dress is officially stuck. Widow stands in dressing room in bra and underwear and new dress as a necklace.

Now what? She tries moving it down, nope not budging, back up? Nope. She wonders if she should knock on the door of the dressing room beside her and ask for help.

One look in the mirror tells her this is a bad idea and should only be used as a last resort. Widow concentrates on zipper again, maybe if she can zip top half back up she can get zipper to lower...several attempts later another not so pleasant sound, but its movement of the zipper...widow sees this as success and repeats same pattern several times....aha....she gets zipper lowered...although uneven and not as it should be.

She is however FREE!

She quickly gets dressed in her jeans and t-shirt again and hangs dress back on hanger. She leaves it in the dressing room.

Goes back to rack, grabs new dress with non- injured zipper and purchases it.

Will have daughter help her zip it at home.

If it doesn’t fit??

Who needs a new dress anyway!!