Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Letting the Sunshine in.....

Its amazing how much the weather affects my mood. Its been overcast and rainy here for well over a week, yesterday we got a break in the clouds and the sunshine made an appearance. Its back again today!!

I am often asked why I moved so far from anyone I know. Its a question I can't really answer. I can say at the time, the thought of sunshine and palm trees, and a beach within reasonable driving distance were a big incentive.

I now realize that I have to "let the sunshine" into my life as well. I realized that my children are used to having friends and their families around us. I realized that my "hunkering down" in my house wasn't something they were accustomed to. It became glaringly apparent when we went back east for a convention, and visited friends. It felt like home to them. I don't think it was necessarily the place, as much as it was the feeling. The feeling of having people who loved us, and we loved nearby. I decided I needed to try and establish those relationships here to really make it feel like home. So I have gone to work, I have signed the kids up for soccer and swimming. I have signed myself up for a couple of support groups in the area that are activity based. I have actually started working out again, checking out the various gyms in the area so I decide which is best for me to join!

I know I still have a long road of healing ahead of me, but I am hopeful to one day actually feel at home in my new house.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Nothing Stops Him

I was at a birthday party for one of my friends children. It was a cool experience as they had a reptile expert come and bring snakes, lizards, geckos etc. I found myself relaxing and enjoying myself. Something my mind doesn't allow myself to do much these days.

There was a man there, very friendly and outgoing, the only person I had to explain my "situation" to at the party. I managed to dodge the "how did he die" question pretty well so I was feeling pretty good. Anyway, this man began telling a story of a time he was in Mexico, and an older man came up to him and tried to get him to eat cow brain soup. He sat down with the man, drank brandy, and ate the soup. Every one was listening to him, hanging on his every word. It reminded me so much of Ben, still I was doing ok. I enjoyed being around someone so "full of life", like my Ben always was. Then his wife jumped in and said "Nothing stops him", I thought it was so cute, how proud of him she was. I related to it, understood it, and still I didn't let sadness overtake me. I reveled in it, lived vicariously through them for that moment. Then the husband quickly retorted "well.....a bullet". Moment over, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. No one knew how much those three little words hurt me.

That was exactly my Ben, nothing stopped him either, except those three words, "well, a bullet."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Forever Changed

On 3-10-10 life as I knew it was forever changed. My best friend and husband was dead. This in and of itself made absolutely no sense to me. Further complicating my grief is the fact that he took his own life. It has been over seven months and in many ways I am still stuck in the same place (mentally) trying to understand it.

Since that day, I have done so many things. I have moved with our three children across the country to a new place, to have a "fresh start". I have "healed" a little emotionally, but it doesn't take much to bring me right back to that day, back to the moment when I heard the tragic news.

I find myself wondering and thinking all the time, "How did this happen to me?", "How did this happen to us?". I believe I will never fully understand it.

So today, I sit in my new home, far away from where this tragedy occurred and am faced with the realization that I can not run from this pain. It followed me here. It is a part of me now.

For those of you that knew me before this, you know that I was a happy person, someone who found the good in most situations. I feel like that person is still here somewhere....she is here....finding her way in the dark.